Flap Your Butterfly Wings

It would appear Ms Gin (that's me) has been musing for quite awhile -- in fact, almost my whole life.

One of the luxuries of being semi-retired is having the time to sort out closets, boxes of keepsakes, old paperwork and other accumulations of life that get set aside for "when I can get to it." That's what I spent some time doing over the past few days -- and it was quite illuminating.

In a box of cards, photos, paperwork and assorted other items I thought would be good to keep for "some day" I came across several letters-to-the-editor of various local newspapers of the towns I've lived in during my adult life. Apparently I've long been a blogger -- just one without a platform, until now.

I've expressed my opinion to an invisible audience on topics ranging from the right to die to elitist attitudes regarding charter schools to negativty about single-parent families. While many who know me might think I'm relatively easy going, I have a tendency to speak up quickly and publicly when I think there is a wrong that needs to be righted. In fact, this tendency even harks back to my early teen years, when I wrote a diatribe about how adults need to earn respect, not command it -- which undoubtedly was inspired by an incident with my alcoholic father.

Among my finds this week was a very timely piece I wrote almost 20 years ago to the day about the state of our nation -- assessed by me shortly after Bill Clinton was elected to the presidency. Given that we are on the precipice of another potential shift in our whimsical way of running this capitalistic democracy we live in -- that has no patience for the time it takes to truly implement change nor the fortitude to sustain success when we achieve it (no matter what you think of Clinton as a person, he undeniably led our country out of the darkness of excessive exploitation to benefit the wealthy into a period of unparalleled fiscal and social health, which was quickly undone by the subsequent administration), I thought it might be good to reflect on our 20-year progress by looking back on a 20 year-old opinion. And that has got to be the longest run on sentence I have ever written!

Here is my piece from 20 years ago.

“This is the beginning of a new era. The problems our nation and the world face today have been a long time in the developing, but we are reaching a critical point in being able to either ‘turn things around’ or instead begin our painful slide down the chute to inescapable doom and destruction – economically, environmentally, socially and spiritually. Since the outcome of our recent presidential election, there is a renewed feeling of hope among so many of us, a feeling that I don’t remember having had at any other time (I was in elementary school when JFK was elected). There is a great deal of emotion associated with this hopefulness, as has been expressed in the thousands upon thousands of letters addressed to President-elect Clinton, which are arriving in Little Rock every day. Perhaps this overwhelming expression of emotion exists because we do feel ourselves to be on the pivotal edge of ‘make it or break it’.

No doubt among many others of us there is fear and trepidation. It has been pointed out more than once that Bill Clinton did not win a clear majority of the popular vote. It is to the fearful and skeptical that I address the next portion of this letter, most vehemently on the issue of environmentalism, which is inextricably linked with the issue of economic recovery. In our time, as in no other, we must be farsighted and far-reaching in our environmental/economic policy, unless we want to abandon future generations to extinction. We need not look into the distant future to see those whom we will abandon. If you are of my generation and blessed to have them, as I am, just look at your grandchildren’s faces. If we do not make tremendous and concerted effort for reform now, they will never know grandchildren.

The pacific northwest economy has long been timber-dependent. There are other areas of the country that are dependent on industries that are and will be impacted by environmental legislation. This type of legislation certainly means stopping things we have done for many years, such as indiscriminate clear-cutting. A logging truck driver, for example, will understandably feel threatened by these regulations. But if you can drive a truck to haul logs, you can drive a truck to haul recyclable goods to a recycling plant. If you operate a piece of equipment that processes logs, you can operate a piece of equipment that combines garbage with concrete to create new building materials (a technology that currently exists in Europe). Everyone from engineer to mechanic to secretary to janitor to corporate executive can utilize skills they now possess in new types of industries that are compatible with and supportive of both environmental and economic health. Of course, there will be difficulties involved in re-training, re-tooling of equipment and in interim periods of unemployment. But we have those problems now. What we need are solutions that are long term, not quick fixes.

Finally, and this is addressed to everyone, each person can make a difference. If you don’t recycle, start. If your community does not offer a recycling program, lobby for one. Vote. It’s one of the most powerful and influential things you can do. Involve yourself in your community and work with others to make beneficial changes to our society. The power ultimately lies with the people, as was so dramatically illustrated on November 3^rd. We are all responsible for the state of our nation. Regardless of political affiliation, we must all join together to make ours a better life and to guarantee the same life to the children of the future.

Understand that human beings are an endangered species. The extinction, by human hands, of so many other creatures of the world is merely a precursor to our own extinction if we don’t act now.”

Twenty years is a long time. Over that time, we’ve made great strides in the area of environmentalism. And we have more strides to make. We now have another threat to our survival -- terrorism. We have to fear each other. That’s a sad state of affairs. We’re a little afraid of Mother Nature too, and rightfully so. But I wonder if in abusing Mother Nature in the past we have brought this upon ourselves.

What I do know is the same now as it was 20 years ago is personal responsibility. No one of us can change the world, but we can each make a difference within our small sphere. If all us butterflies flap our wings in one direction, there’s bound to be an impact.

Vote.

Reconnecting

For those who are checking, you might have noticed I've been away for awhile. But though I've been disconnected here, I've been reconnecting a lot elsewhere.

My absence over the past month began with a death in the family -- not my immediate family perse, but my daughter's grandmother on her father's side. Though originally I thought my call of duty would be to stay behind and watch the kids while my daughter and her husband attended the funeral, instead I had the blessing of being invited on a ten-hour family road trip with the two of them and my 11 and 2 year-old granddaughters. If you are cringing at the thought, you can let those shoulders loose. We had a great and memorable time.

It wasn't just the lovely snacks out of the cooler (they really weren't bad) or the super back seat I had to myself for awhile until my daughter put it away because she thought I was just being nice (she put it up for me again on the way home -- the non-stop 10-hour part of the trip). Those things and the concentrated time with my little foursome were wonderful. But what also really touched me was to visit friends and family I hadn't seen for over a decade.

There's nothing like a trip like this to make you aware of the advancing of time, the circle of life and how precious a gift it is to be able to witness that, to be a part of that and to realize that there is an end and you need to very much appreciate the journey -- and everyone in it.

It's like so many other things in life -- the wisdom we gain in age is often wisdom gained a little late. But at least I can share it with others -- with my daughter, my nieces and nephews, my grandchildren -- and hope and pray they will have long lives and come to experience these feelings too.

The next phase of my absence was due to a second road trip (I'm seeing a trend here) to see members of my side of the family -- my 92 year-old aunt and several cousins. I marvel at how instantly a connection that has laid fallow for 20 years can spark to life, making it seem like it was only yesterday when we were last together. That's how it is with my cousins -- one in particular -- and I am one lucky woman to have my life open up again in this way. We all know we aren't getting any younger, and so this trip has launched what we all hope will be at least yearly get togethers. We don't have the time to squander that we had when we were young.

And honestly, does anyone, young or old, have time to squander?

Reconnect.

When It's Wrong To Be Right

Who doesn’t want to be right? There’s nothing quite like that self-satisfied and feeling of knowing you are in the know, and knowing that someone else knows it too. It’s very validating -- and sometimes we need validation. When you’re right it’s important that others know you’re right so that they can then use the information, guidance or advice you provide to make everything right with their world. There’s nothing wrong with being a known source of accurate information. When others credit you and acknowledge your rightness, that means there’s a chance you’ll be a good source of information for them in the future. In fact, it’s absolutely necessary that they credit you and acknowledge your rightness, right?

Wrong.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with being right. It’s good to be right so you don’t spend your time going down the wrong path. But always having to be right -- for it’s own sake -- and always having to be acknowledged by people who at first disagree with you that you are in fact and after all right….well, that’s not right.

First of all -- it’s enough to know you are right -- and not for the glory of being right but because it’s good to know correct information. If you are right, and someone disagrees with you, eventually they will come to realize you were right. And that’s good, because then they can go down the right path too. It’s much less important that they give you credit for being right. And it’s rarely worth it if the issue of being right overshadows whatever you are right about.

Picture a scenario where you spend several minutes going back and forth over who is right and who is wrong to the point where the relationship suffers and the issue under discussion is lost. There are people who do that, and do it regularly, and they usually end up by themselves with their self-righteousness.

I just so happen to often be right when my husband and I disagree (initially) about a particular fact. Hey, I read a lot. And I also tend to not be emphatic about things I’m not absolutely sure I’m right about -- so that increases my odds of being right when I take a stand. But I’ll be the first to tell you I’m talking out my hoo hoo if I’m going on a hunch or accidentally making something up.

But when my husband and I disagree about something, and he is convinced he is right, I’ll usually tell him my right answer, he’ll come back with his wrong answer and when it’s clear he’s holding to that position I’ll simply say, “Whatever you say, Dear,” or “You’re right, Honey, what was I thinking,” or something along those lines to put an end to it.

He most likely knows I’m brushing it off…but that’s ok -- it usually turns what could be a tense situation into a humorous one. Being right is not worth haggling over and it’s certainly not worth getting into a full blown fight over. He will eventually find out I’m right. And there is that remote possibility that I’m wrong -- so my bases are covered there too.

Recently I got into this kind of situation with my daughter, who is very firm in her opinions and also often right. We were disagreeing about a really unimportant thing -- something about a sequence of events that had taken place in the past. After a couple of back and forths I said, “I’m sure you’re right, Honey.” She laughed, because she knew what I was doing and I told her that’s what I do with my husband and we stay happy. Whatever we were disagreeing about wasn’t worth spending our time arguing over -- it was really unimportant.

In this instance, I knew either eventually the rightness would be unearthed (she would backtrack and rethink the whole scenario), or it would just be dropped because it wasn’t really significant. Clearly we weren’t going to sort it out then and there, and our relationship was more important than one of us winning. Unfortunately people often let little disagreements like this take on a life of their own, where the rightness itself becomes the focus.

When there is a critical issue, hopefully what’s right will jump to the forefront without question. If it doesn’t, no amount of arguing in the moment will fix it. And how many “who’s right” arguments are about critical issues anyway? Very few.

So express your opinion once -- maybe twice. If you can’t agree, keep your good humor and let it go. It’s never so important simply to be right that it damages your relationships.

Ultimately, the truth will out -- and it really won’t matter who said it.

Speak the Truth Day

Many years ago, when I was a little less patient and understanding than I am now -- and also pretty stressed out by a very demanding workload that seemed out of balance with what the others in my office were doing, I came up the idea that once a month we should have a day when everyone was allowed to say exactly what was on their mind. No “flowering things up”, no editing, no censorship, no hypocrisy. Just “tell it like it is.”

My coworkers said, “No deal.”

The person who was most adamant about not having a "Speak the Truth Day" was the one I most wanted to speak my mind to -- and I’m sure she knew that. In her defense, it would have been harsh and it was a bad idea. I found myself frequently irritated by her -- she was nice, well-meaning and did her job but she was not very smart and I knew I carried an extra load accommodating for that. Then there are just some people who get on your nerves -- and I’ll reveal my dark side in saying she got on mine, and I felt a little bit of twisted pleasure in imagining what a relief it would be to just express myself freely.

Though this idea was dropped like a hot potato, I’m pretty sure it had at least some appeal to others -- in part because who wouldn’t want unbridled permission to say what’s on your mind without fear of the consequences? Very liberating.

But there’s more to truth-telling than that. Hearing the truth means we know what the situation is, which doors are open to us and which are closed. When we speak the truth others know where we stand. I think that’s something we all crave. It’s the flip side of truth-telling that scares us. If we speak the truth freely, will we hurt someone else’s feelings? Will they hurt ours? Will hearing a particular truth force us to make a decision we don’t really want to make? Will speaking a particular truth mean changing our lives in a way we’re not yet ready for? It gets very complicated.

There’s been a lot said about truth-telling:  “The truth hurts,” “You can’t handle the truth,” “The truth will set you free.” As immediately gratifying as it might have been to have my “Speak the Truth Day”, I don’t think the gratification would have lasted for more than a moment -- because for me the answer to de-complicating truth-telling is in the statement, “Above all else, to thine own self be true.”

There’s no glory in hurting someone’s feelings by being “snarky”. But there is glory, and growth, in staying true to your convictions and principles -- and expressing them consistently through what you say and do. When you speak the truth, in a thoughtful way, you affirm who you are and you make a comfortable place for those around you to speak the truth too. That’s a “speak the truth day” I think we can all live with.

The Motherless Daughter

Thirty-two years ago today my mother died. She was 57 years old, and I was 29.

They say time heals all wounds, but sadly I know this axiom isn’t true. Sometimes the pain of this loss is dull and distant, at other times it is sharp and immediate. Over the years there have been many occasions when I was able to talk about her with great objectivity and little emotion. There have also been many times when I’ve found myself suddenly and unexpectedly overcome with grief, regret, guilt, longing and sorrow.

Today I felt her presence very strongly and missed her very deeply. I am actually glad for that. It would be sadder still to no longer feel a connection, a deep love, a longing for my mother. My father passed away almost two years before my mother, and though I was a daddy’s girl and loved my father very much, it is simply not the same. Children seem to continue to love even the worst of mothers -- I believe it’s a biological imperative -- and mine was among the best. No matter how old we get, we still need our mommies.

This morning, in yet another affirmation of the serendipity of life, the kismet that threads through our days, the coincidence that is really thinly veiled guidance along our right path -- as I was searching for an address book so I could call my aunt, my mother’s oldest sister, I instead came upon an accordion file of my mother’s many writings -- which I had organized and categorized a few years ago. Among her many talents, my mother was a gifted writer -- yet she never shared her written voice beyond putting typewriter or pen to paper. Perhaps she would have done this later in her life, when the internet made sharing your words as simple as putting fingertips to a keyboard. But she ran out of time.

I have time. So I will make sure my mother’s voice is heard for any who want to hear it, but most importantly for those of us who loved her -- and whom she loved.  It will be my ode, of sorts, to my mother.

I love you, Mom.

Accentuating the Negative

When I was a kid my mom would always get on us whenever we slacked on a particular chore -- like leaving our drinking glasses in the sink instead of rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher. But she never said anything on the days we DID rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. One day I called her on this and said, "You always notice and point out when we do something wrong. How come you don't do that when we do something right -- especially because we do the right thing way more often than the wrong thing?" She didn’t have an answer, and I think there’s a reason for that. It’s just the way we tend to be.

From my perspective, it seemed obvious that if she rewarded the good behavior more often, she'd get more of it. Only pointing out when we didn’t do it the right way and not praising us when we did pushed me towards a “why bother?” attitude. After all, it was easier to not comply and if it went unrecognized when I did -- well….

Apparently thousands of behavioral psychologists and others agree. Volumes have been written on the power of positive reinforcement. We can preach about the merits of frequent positive reinforcement, but we seem to have a hard time living it. It's as if we have a natural tendency to accentuate the negative. As parents we are quick to reprimand, but we often have to consciously remind ourselves to praise the good. And why is it that one C on a report card will get more attention than the four A’s that accompany it?

I've noticed lately that our thinking -- the collective "us" -- seems to be deeply ingrained and patterned to focus more attention and to give more weight to the negative. We love gossip -- the juicier the better. We glue ourselves to reality shows comprised almost entirely of people treating each other badly. We immerse ourselves in unhappy news on the television, online and in print. We are quick to judge and criticize each other while overlooking accomplishments and appealing qualities. No wonder there is such a high rate of depression in our society.

What if we stopped? What if for any negative comment or thought we had about someone else, we balanced it with a positive? What if anytime we judged another person, we bestowed upon them an equally weighted kudo? I think if we did this on a regular basis, our relationships would improve, our criticalness would dissipate and eventually the world -- certainly our own world -- would be a better place.

Let's accentuate the positive.